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You’ve been waiting to be matched with a birth mom for 6 months, 1 year, or maybe even longer. The wait is agonizing and seems like it will never end. Now you have to deal with yet another reminder of this; Mother’s Day. The card display at the local grocery store and commercials on TV with mothers snuggling their new babies simply rub salt in the wound. Yet another Mother’s Day will come and go and you still don’t have that baby you so desperately want. How do you navigate the conflicting emotions of this widely celebrated day?

Find Support

Use this opportunity to connect with other women in your situation. Don’t forget there are many women out there going through exactly what you are on this day. Find an online Facebook or support group and use it as chance to vent without feeling guilt.  You will find comfort knowing you are not alone in your feelings and there is no shame in how you feel. You may even learn what other women do to help themselves cope on particularly difficult days, such as Mother’s Day. Refer to our blog post to find an online support group.

Avoid Awkward Situations

Only you can gauge how personally upsetting it will be for you to be around others celebrating this day. Brunch with the family on Mother’s Day may be fine for some woman, where as it might trigger a lot of sad emotions for someone else. If you feel like avoiding a situation all together would be the right decision for you, honesty is the best policy. Explain to your loved ones how you are feeling and why you won’t be attending an event.  You may be surprised by how understanding people are to your circumstance. If you are faced with a less than sympathetic response, just remember you are doing what is best for you and anyone who truly cares about you will understand that.

Do Something Special for Yourself

You may feel like you have no reason to celebrate on Mother’s Day, but your journey to motherhood certainly deserves recognition. Use this day as a chance to treat yourself to something you normally wouldn’t. Get a mani/pedi, buy yourself something expensive, go out for a special dinner, or spend all day in bed binge watching your favorite TV show. Don’t ever feel like what you are going through doesn’t deserve celebrating. Strength, perseverance, and overwhelming love aren’t qualities only mothers possess; as you exhibit these traits every single day, while you wait for the baby that was meant for you. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back for this. YOU DESERVE IT!

While the staff at Everlasting Adoptions think of our adoptive families every day, we are especially thinking of our waiting adoptive mothers this weekend.

For all of our Everlasting California families interested in obtaining more information on the Paid Family Leave program. A webinar will be held on Thursday, May 11 at 1:00pm CDT. Join the California Employment Development Department for this informational webinar. California is one of only four states to offer paid family leave, but the program is being underutilized.

Click here to register.

National Infertility Awareness Week is April 23-29, 2017. According to the CDC, 1 in 8 couples battles infertility while trying to build a family. It is likely you or someone very close to you has struggled with infertility. The battle with infertility can invoke feelings of anger over why your body is unable to do something it was made to do, grief over losses of unborn biological children, and an internal struggle to accept that your path to parenthood may not look at all like you had imagined.

How to Know You’re Ready for Adoption

The decision to embrace adoption after battling infertility is often not an easy one. It may take many months or many years after trying to biologically conceive to realize adoption is the right path for you. Here are three things we recommend before pursuing adoption:

Accept Your Path to Parenthood

You will never “get over” your battle with infertility and the heartache of miscarriages, but there is a point when you will accept your path to parenthood or choice to remain childless. Comeunity parents proposed several useful definitions of what they think it means to resolve feelings of loss due to infertility.

“I don’t think that resolving any loss ever means getting to a point where the loss doesn’t exist or doesn’t matter any more. I think that resolving loss — including infertility — means putting it in its proper place and being able to move on in life without being held back from going forward by that loss.”Cat V.

You may not be able to share stories of pregnancy or labor and delivery with your friends and family, but that doesn’t mean you can’t experience the amazing parent-child bond you have always dreamt of. The most important reason to know if you are ready to adopt is if your desire to become a parent outweighs anything else. The path to getting there may be different than you had imagined, but the end result will be the same.

You and Your Partner Share the Desire to Adopt

There may be situations when one partner is ready to adopt, while the other remains reluctant. Often times, the other partner simply needs more time to resolve feelings of grief and loss. Counseling and support groups may help the reluctant party talk through their feelings and come to terms with where they are in the grief process.  Adoptive Families shares some helpful steps to take when dealing with a reluctant partner or family member. Open communication between both partners is crucial to avoid building feelings of resentment in the relationship.

You are Financially Able to Afford Adoption

There are significant costs to adopt that you must prepare yourself for. You need to determine if your family is financially ready to adopt. Take a look at our article on Financing Your Adoption for information on the cost of adoption and resources to help fund your adoption. If the cost of adoption will compromise your family’s future stability, you may want to consider waiting until you have more financial flexibility. Either way it is an important factor to consider and discuss with your loved ones before proceeding. 

Meeting a birth mother for the first time can be overwhelming and exciting. When Jessica and Jonathan connected to their birth mom and learned that their birth mom was only a short car trip away, they immediately began planning their first visit to meet her. They planned a lovely day of meeting their birth mom, Lucia, as well as her son and her son’s aunt.

After a trip to Lucia’s favorite burger place, they picked out some maternity clothes and then ended the day with a sweet treat!

Jessica described this day as perfect. They enjoyed getting to know each other and laid the foundation for their growing family and we’re already planning their next visit! Lucia had mutual feelings of joy! She expressed feeling relieved, along with a sense of peace and contentment; she now had confidence in her decision to move forward with an adoption plan! Concerns that she couldn’t find a family she would trust, melted away after getting to know Jessica and Jonathan.

As parents or expecting parents, we may have many concerns and worries about the upbringing of our children or future children. Where will they go to school? Will they grow up to be successful? Will they be kind and loving? As adoptive parents, we have these concerns plus others which are much more fundamental. Will my adopted child bond with me? More importantly, will I be able to bond with them? Additionally, adoptive parents who also have biological children may wonder, will I be able to love my adopted child in the same way I love my other children?

The first thing you need to know is that these are completely normal and natural feelings ANY parent experiences. Reassure yourself that you won’t be any less of a parent for having these fears. The second thing you may ask is, “How do I bond with my child?” At the most basic level, a child will form an attachment to their parent(s) if their needs are consistently met. Bonding with a child plays a crucial role in their development. The more sensitive you are to their needs, the more quickly and deeply you will bond. Children adopted as infants display no difference in their quality of attachment from nonadopted infants, according to Psychologist and author, Dr. David Brodzinsky.

Ways to strengthen the bond with your baby apply to all infants, adopted or not.

1. Be consistent in your response to their needs.
2. Talk to your baby and make eye contact with them.
3. Provide as much physical contact; snuggles, hugs, kisses, as you can.
4. Don’t neglect your own needs. Your baby will sense if you are stressed or burnt out.

If you are interested in reading further on the topic of attachment and bonding, here are a few great places to start.

The Attachment Parenting Book : A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby

The Attachment Connection: Parenting a Secure and Confident Child Using the Science of Attachment Theory

The Everything Parent’s Guide to Raising Your Adopted Child: A complete handbook to welcoming your adopted child into your heart and home